The Keys to the Castle is a metaphor. If you take the keyring and put each of the five keys one by one in your hand you will get the lock impression of all five keys. The first lock impression is for garage door openers. Life is the garage, you are the door opener. The proof is in the guy who went to Sears and got his vasectomy - everytime he had an erection, his garage door opened. The second key is Rory Calhoun's widows peak. It points to his 3rd eye and if you replicate the location on your own forehead, you will maximize the window within which Peter met Paul. The third key is digression by virtue of ceiling fans. You never notice when you are talking that the ceiling fan above looks like it is stopping but it actually is churning your thoughts into vaso-dilators. The fourth key is bent fabric. Wishing you could mesh your dreams is like the liniment Gabby Hayes used to keep the front of his hat folded up. The fifth and last key is Lady Cerebellum. Synthesizing gastronomical fixations is NOT a cameo of Hillary Scott but rather Joy to the World sung backwards. Take these five keys and work on your lisp. Periodicity is vodka infused tampons.